Wednesday, 21 December 2011

We Are Da Doctor Who Management (Taken From Issue 8)

Now we all think we can write a series of Doctor Who.  But what would happen if the bigwigs down in Cardiff actually listened to us fans?  We’ve enlisted the help of those people who used to do surveys for Family Fortunes and they’ve been everywhere on the worldwide web (as well as in some ‘dirty and seedy establishments’ – McDonalds) and asked fans what they would like to see in their dream series’. 

Here are the findings:


Episode 1 – The Return of John Smith
Written By Steven Moffat

Another tedious episode in which The Doctor has got to use the name ‘John Smith’ at least 617 times in a 45-minute episode, just to give a ‘nod’ to the Classic Series.  Which is strange, as The Doctor didn’t actually use the name John Smith all that much in the Classic Series anyway.

Episode 2 – The Rani Returns
Written By Russell T. Davies

The Rani (still played by Kate O’Mara) crash lands on Earth in the 21st Century, after she was shot down by Sgt. Benton, who has chucked in selling used cars and has somehow rejoined the army at the age of 65.  The Rani hits her head on the console and regenerates into some soap vixen.  Let’s say Louisa Lytton (who apart from showing her acting qualities in the glorious American Pie: The Book of Love, also shares a name with a Classic Doctor Who villain. See – it’s written in the stars!  That’s if she isn’t opening a branch of Kwik Fit, the day filming starts, of course)

Episode 3 – The Face of The Rani
Written By Russell T. Davies

Part 2 of this classic chronicle, as The Rani blows up The Doctor and his TARDIS and it’s up to Benton to clean up after them.  Although The Doctor tricks The Rani and it’s her TARDIS that she blows up.  Which leaves a nasty taste in her mouth.  The Doctor manages to wriggle away from her clutches at exactly the right time, before he explodes right before her watching face.  It’s gripping stuff.  Or so The Rani thinks.

Episode 4 – Blood of a Cheerleader
Written by Joss Whedon

The internet literally goes into meltdown as Joss Whedon (writer of Buffy, don’t you know!) writes a Doctor Who episode.  Writing the rest of the episode summary is pointless, as fans would be gushing over it anyway, so it doesn’t matter how terrible it is.

Episode 5 – Love and War
Written by Paul Cornell and Steven Moffat

Another adaptation if a Paul Cornell New Adventures novel, which is boycotted by the same smelly, 40-something who got angry and boycotted Human Nature/Family of Blood.  This novel would have seen the introduction of Bernice Summerfield, so the Moff replaces her with Jenny (The Doctor’s Daughter) and ruins the episode.

Episode 6 – The Greatest Sherlock In The Galaxy
Written by Steven Moffat

This episode sees Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman guest star as their characters from Sherlock as they investigate a mysterious theft in old London town.  Somebody has half inched a batch of oyster cards from a newspaper kiosk (the owner of which is played by Dick Van Dyke) - only a trail of slime, a ransom note made with letters from the Radio Times and left-over cider are the clues.  This is the Doctor-lite episode of the series, as he is stuck on the Northern Line.  Expect thrills, laughs and tedious clichés in this thriller!

Episode 7 - The Sum of The Cybermen
Written by Eric Saward & Christopher H Bidmead

The Cybermen return and this time they seek out The Doctor who is the only one who can reprogram them to calculate a mysterious sum, which was given to them by a unknown Timelord.  What that sum is, you’ll never find out as you’ll be switching over to watch the omnibus repeat of Hollyoaks, which will be far more entertaining.

Episode 8 – The Dalek Invasion of Mars
Written by Mark Gatiss

Yes, it’s Daleks vs. Ice Warriors, what more do you want?  Well an explanation for people who don’t know who are what the Ice Warriors are for a start.  But you’re not getting one.

Episode 9 – The Cold War
Written by Mark Gatiss

Part 2, as The Doctor finally does something and makes the chief Ice Warrior his dinner and raconteurs him with tales about peace and Rose Tyler.  Expect more explosions and dialogue that delves into a 50 year-old back-story that doesn’t actually physically exist anywhere anymore.

Episode 10 – The Deadly Sea
Written by Steven Moffat

Yet another Silurian story that copies from the original, as The Doctor tires – but  fails – to persuade humans and Silurians to get along.  Throw in some lessons about evolution, some cracks about humans/apes, a few anti-war messages and poorly CGI-ed tongue attacks and sexual references that will make all the virgins giggle. You know the rest.

Episode 11 – Amy Noble
Written by The Doctor Who Fan Fiction Community

What will prove to be THE best episode of Doctor Who ever (well, until next week anyway) - get your tissues out, as we learn that former companions Amy Pond and Donna Noble may share something more than red hair.  Ever wondered where Amy gets her fiery temper?  Where were Amy’s parents during The Eleventh Hour?  Why do you think Amy gave birth to a Time Baby?  Better get that second box of tissues for an emotional ride that will drain you of all your tears.

Episode 12 – Omega’s Stratagem
Written by Steven Moffat

Yes, the secret villain all along is someone who only appeared in two Doctor Who stories in it’s 50 year-run and someone who 75% of Doctor Who fans know nothing about.  He was the one who sent The Rani’s TARDIS off course, he was one who told The Cybermen about ‘the sum’ and he was the one who invented Sarah Palin.  Yes, the man IS a monster but this Doctor Who - it’s all about monsters!

Episode 13 – The End
Written by Steven Moffat and Russell T. Davies          

And it is the end. The end of everything.  Doctor Who is cancelled as ratings fall to just 200 people.  Funnily enough, the same 200 people who got together to plan this series.  Oh and Rose Tyler pops up at the end to just remind us what an epic character she was.

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